Normal is Boring

Judgements, repentance and forgiveness

angelatikvah — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 23:34:47 +0000

I’m feeling really convicted tonight.. realizing that often I need to go back to the basics. It’s Yom Kippur and the season of repentance, and it seems I never run out of things to bring back to the cross!

I’ve made so many judgements in my life. I’m realizing tonight for the first time how much I’ve judged my mom. I’ve forgiven her for a lot of things, but I didn’t realize how much I’ve judged her. For her lack of housekeeping skills, her procrastination, her easy distractibility. And I’m realizing I’m just like her…

Papa forgive me for judging her! I repent of all my judgements against her in these and other things. I’ve been reaping exactly what I’ve sown – my own judgements against her. Help me take the log out of my own eye and change me from the inside.

Thank You that in this season You draw us back to Yourself and forgive every wrong and restore us to life. I know this is a dangerous prayer, but please give me humility. I repent of pride. I want to be like You.

Being me

angelatikvah — Sun, 16 May 2010 08:06:13 +0000

I’ve really been struggling lately with feeling like I need to do things perfectly, and make everyone around me happy. I thought I was over that. But then it came back with a vengeance. I know at least part of it is my past… I had therapy a short while ago amd dealt with a part who was terrified to do anything wrong. Doing anything wrong meant punishment, severe punishment. And making someone unhappy meant pain. I know that’s not true anymore… in my head. But I’ve been feeling the emotions so strongly. It’s especially bad at work. Sometimes it lasts the whole shift, but usually it’s the worst right before I go in. I go into a panic thinking about who is going to be there and whether or not they will ‘like’ me or approve of me. What the heck?

Jo told me a couple weeks ago that God will probably allow some testing of the truth that I don’t have to fear punishment anymore. Boy was she right.

But… the last couple of nights have been different. I realized that being myself is more important than whether or not anyone likes me. It’s even more important than if I have others’ respect. That might seem like a ‘duh’ to most of you. And I thought I had that concept down. But I am suddenly feeling a new level of freedom in this. I realized that my fear of people not liking me was causing me to not act like myself. For instance, being more sarcastic than usual just to try to fit in. But a couple nights ago I felt like God whispered to me “Be your nice self, the gentle heart I adore.” Oh. Is that okay? Yeah, it’s okay! I’m a nice person. I can be sarcastic sometimes, and sometimes that’s okay. But most of the time I LIKE to help other people and compliment them and make them feel important. And whether or not they like me is suddenly not as important. Be myself. Be my kind, gentle, mostly quiet self. Huh.

I’m not as afraid the last few nights. I hope it lasts. Pray for me that I can hold on to the truth that being who God created me to be is more important than whether or not people like me. I don’t have to fear punishment anymore. I keep thinking of a Dr. Suess quote. ”Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” And here’s another one, this one by Andre Gide: “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.”

Wise words. I want to live them better.

Grace on the night shift

angelatikvah — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 09:17:26 +0000

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m working, and I’m loving it. How crazy is that? I never would have guessed that I’d enjoy working nights. The staff here on nights is so much more laid back. Even the physcians are easier to talk to. I’m so relieved. It isn’t that it’s not still scary sometimes… I’ve had bad nights already, and I’m sure there’s more to come. But I could not have pictured a more supportive learning environment for me to get back into the regular workforce. I’m laughing, all the time, amidst the occasional tears.

The other night was a very bad night… I had two difficult patients and one difficult family to deal with. I left in tears, thinking that I couldn’t possibly do this job. I couldn’t do it good enough, I was a failure, and I might as well quit. When I returned to work two nights later, my educator pulled me into her office before my shift even started. I was thinking, ‘Here it comes, I’m gonna get chastised.’ But she said she only wanted to tell me that the bad night I had was no reflection on how good of a nurse I was. She said the only mistake I can really make is not asking for help when I need it. I started crying I was so relieved. Sometimes it’s very difficult to silence the condemnation in my own mind, and hear what’s true on top of the lies. But she did that for me… and I’ve been flying ever since. She also said that she’s heard ONLY good things about me, and she wants me to go off of orientation after tonight’s shift! I’m glad about that. I think even in the midst of my fears, I’m ready to be on my own.

So continued prayers are appreciated… this journey is not yet over! I can see God’s hand so clearly though in picking the perfect job for me. I love it here.

Hard Work

angelatikvah — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 01:26:31 +0000

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here… I have a real job now and I have no time! That’s what it feels like anyway.

I thought I was good at giving myself grace. Well, not good, but at least better than I used to be. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to be reminded that I don’t have to be perfect at this new job!

Health care is a funny thing. Human beings caring for other human beings, where any little breakdown in communication or human error can cause harm or death. Ugh. Recipe for stress.

I’m so glad for this job. It’s perfect for this stage of my life. It’s not ICU (which I admit I’m already missing sometimes), but it’s pretty darn close. And the staff is so supportive. I feel like I’ve entered into a new little community, at least in regards to my work. It’s just perfect. Who do you think set that up? Hmmm…

Waiting sucks. And it’s hard. But this was worth the wait. I like what my sister said recently about looking at things in the light of eternity (you can link to her blog on the right). This job is hard, but it’s just the right fit. God knew. He just wanted me to wait for His timing.

I’m running into issues and problems I never anticipated. I think I was so dissociative when I was working before that I stayed mostly unaware of what was happening inside. But I can’t do that anymore. My prayers lately are along the lines of asking God to hold back my parts until I can safely deal with their memories at home. I had no idea how much my nursing job was triggering me when I was working six years ago. What grace I had! I’m dealing with it now, but dang. This is hard.

In the midst of all this, I have so much hope for others who struggle with their past. Sometimes I want to shout out that ‘disability’ is not necessarily a forever term! God is fully able to restore everything that’s been lost, including the ability to work. I don’t want anyone to settle for anything less that what He wants. Is it easy? No. Linda asked me a while back what was the number one thing besides God that contributed to my healing. I answered without even thinking: hard work. Healing is hard work! But God is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him. Don’t give up. His plans for you are more than you can even think to ask for or imagine.

From the mouths of children

angelatikvah — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:55:53 +0000

I was talking to my friend tonight and we were discussing Psalm 8, and something new struck me about verse 2. The NASB says “From the mouth of infants and nursing babes You have established strength because of Your adversaries, to make the enemy and the revengeful cease.” Yeshua quoted this verse in Matthew 21, as a retort to the chief priests and scribes. The children in the temple had been shouting out ‘Hosanna to the Son of David!’. The authorities became indignant on hearing this. What right do children have to declare anyone the Messiah? I can just see the enemy cringing at what these innocent children were essentially saying. “Save us Messiah! We recognize You and want to praise You!” Yeshua answered those who were criticizing the children by saying “Yes; have you never read, ‘Out of the mouths of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise for Yourself’?” Boo-yah!! That shut the authorities right up.

I looked up the word ‘strength’ as used in Ps. 8:2, and the word ‘praise’ as used in Matthew 21:16. The Hebrew for strength is ‘oz’, which in Strong’s means boldness, loud, might, power, strength, or strong. The image is of something of great strength and loud fortitude. It makes me think of an a huge castle with impenetrable walls, combined with loud announcements that nothing can break through them. And that’s what God has established from the mouths of children! So much so that what comes out of their mouths silences the enemy! When Yeshua quoted the verse, He used the word ‘ainos’ in Greek. The translation in Strong’s for this word is ‘praise, primarily used in a story sense, praising God’. In other words it’s primarily used when telling a story that talks about praising God or bringing glory to God, or telling a story that is worthy of praise.

When you look at the two references together, it’s striking that God would use children to declare the very things that silence and defeat the enemy. This is so validating and humbling for me. I wrestled for years with why I struggled with music, and why it was that I was apparently targeted in the area of worship. Linda used to tell me that the people who hurt me had heard me singing, and it made them target me to sabotage any use I might have in God’s kingdom. But guess what? Take THAT enemy! Because God has taken what was meant for evil and turned it for good (Gen. 50:20). Not only for His praise (which is reason enough!), but for the redemption of many others who struggle with similar things. And the release of His works in the heavenlies, just by the praise that flows from my broken but healing heart!

I Cor. 1:27-29 says ‘But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.”

THANK YOU Yeshua! Thank You for everything that brought me pain and then healing in Your timing. You are using my life to defeat the darkness. What an incredible privilege. May I always be as a child before You, ready to sing in abandon about Who You are and what You’ve done. Raise me up as a bulwark against the enemy. I boast only in You.

Dates with God

angelatikvah — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:09:11 +0000

I’m learning how to listen to God. Listening while I’m working, cleaning, singing, or just being quiet. He really is always there, and He often talks to me. I don’t know how I ever lived without this constant interaction. I thought I’d start sharing some of what He’s told me. I’m not going to pretend I hear Him exactly right. I’m still learning to distinguish my thoughts from His. But the more I practice this, the easier it gets to distinguish when it’s really Him. If you want practical help in learning how to do this, I strongly recommend Dallas Willard’s book “Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God”.

Sometimes He talks with me while we have dinner together. And sometimes He talks to me when I’m walking. I’ve never been one of those people who can just be perfectly still and hear better that way. I know that some of what He tells me is just for me, but I pray that some of it ministers to others as well. That’s why I’m going to be putting some of those thoughts in my blog. So here goes!

Last Friday I sat down to my Shabbat dinner and asked Him if there was anything He wanted to say. I heard “Why do you always think I’m going to tell you that you’re doing something wrong, or that I’m angry with you?” He was right. It’s better than it used to be, but my typical response to the thought of listening for Him is usually underlined with fear and shame. But for heaven’s sake, he already knows all my failures! I said back to Him, “I fear punishment”. And He said, “I’ve already took it.” I was reminded in the depths of my spirit that He sees me as lovely. ”Dark am I yet lovely”. SS 1:5 My response to this is: “Okay, Lord. Heal my heart until all my perceptions and thinking come into alignment with how You see me. Show me how much You love me that I might love You more.”

Yesterday I asked Him again. I felt directed to read Psalm 37 again, one of my favorites. And I saw a connection that I’ve never seen before. Verse 4 says “Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Verses 23-24 say “The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.” For the first time I saw that these two verses indicate a mutual delighting in each other. God delights in us, and in every step we take. And we delight in Him. It’s these two things that cause His will to come about in our lives, and our dreams to be fulfilled. It’s like two people gazing at each other with deeper and deeper delight and knowing. He LOVES me, and I LOVE Him! Mutual delight. It makes me want to run through downtown Ann Arbor and shout out that He LOVES me! Amazing.

Scribe

angelatikvah — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:29:49 +0000

The Scribe

for Sara

You are My witness.

They have a memorial and a name.

And I won’t forget,

No it won’t be forgotten,

For I have called you as My witness.

Fear not, I will never leave you!

Fear not, you’re written on My heart!

Fear not, your walls are e’er before Me!

Fear not, your chains will come undone!

Engraved on My hands,

Your stories are pillars in My house.

The burden you’ve borne will bring light to the darkness.

Overcomer, receive your reward.

Fear not, I will never leave you!

Fear not, you’re written on My heart!

Fear not, your walls are e’er before Me!

Fear not, your chains will come undone!

My Husband

angelatikvah — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:00:37 +0000

God’s been talking to me lately about how He’s my husband, and I’ve been meditating on what that means. Today I realized that in a marriage husbands and wives have to make it a priority to communicate. They could go through a whole day together and never really hear each other.

So as far as I’m able I’m going to have at least one meal a day alone with God. No TV, no distractions… just me and God. When He was on earth He seemed to have an affinity for fish and wine. My kind of guy. I want to tell Him about my day. And I want to hear what’s on His heart.

People tell me that I’m hard to get to know, that I don’t talk very much. I think that’s true even with God. He knows me, of course, but He wants a relationship. He wants me to talk about what’s bothering me and thank Him for the blessings. Maybe as I practice this with Him I’ll get better at doing it with other people too.

Suddenly I don’t feel so alone any more.

My Love Goes Free

angelatikvah — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:43:04 +0000

I don’t know why Jon Foreman wrote this song. It seems that he was writing to someone he loves who had to go away to be able to truly sing her song. She’d been caged her whole life and she had to be set free to really be able to fly. The italics are mine, because right now they’re what I’m imagining God and my community are singing to me.

The movement comes in slow

It’s a tune we both should know

But the walls are thin

So we keep our voices low

You’re a bird with a pretty mouth

You’re a bird with songs to shout

And the same refrain continues singing out:

“If you love her let her go.”

She sings beautiful and slow

A tune that only caged birds know.

So you’re in Nashville on the phone

And I’m back here at home

And the words are new

But I recognize the tone:

“If you love her let her go.”

She sings beautifully composed.

A tune that only caged birds know.

My love goes free.

He said a long time ago that He would teach me how to walk. Now He’s told me He’s teaching me how to fly. My wings hurt. I’m scared to leave the nest. What if I can’t find food? What if I fall and hurt myself? He said I won’t be hurled headlong. (Ps. 37)

Something far more significant that just my journey is happening now. When Paul and Silas were in the Philippian jail, they were singing out loud, and everyone could hear them. And everyone in that jail had their chains fall off when the earthquake came. The other prisoners didn’t go anywhere, and we don’t know if they were set free or not. But I can’t help but wonder if maybe this was the first church in Phillipi, headed up by the jailer. A true prison church. Those prisoners were set free in their spirits when Paul and Silas sang out their praise. (Acts 16). And do you know what Paul’s primary message was later when he wrote them a letter? “Rejoice in the Lord always (Phil. 3:1, 4:4)

I will rejoice in You. I will sing out loud even though my neighbors can hear me. I will make my requests known to You and not be anxious about anything (Phil. 4:6). And I will trust that You will finsh the work You’ve started (1:6) and provide everything I need (4:19). My Love has set me free, and I will learn how to fly and sing this song He’s given me.

Officially here.

angelatikvah — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:07:38 +0000

I have officially moved to Ann Arbor. Sarah Sophia came down with me on Sunday in Jessie’s car to bring the rest of my stuff. Now Sarah has just left and it’s just me and Tiki. I’m scared, excited and thrilled all at the same time. I have lots of things to do, but I feel compelled to just sit for a while and thank God for what He’s given me. Sorry if it’s a bit scattered, but it probably reflects some of the mess I’m sitting in as I need to finish unpacking!

I have a family in Baldwin that will always be there. Things may change there, but I’ll always have people to come back to. That is extremely comforting. Even if Marshall does need to confess his love for Mary and Mary needs to learn how to accept love. (That was for you, Jessie.) :)

Not to mention the fact that Dick and Fran are only 2 hours away. All kinds of relief wash over me when I think about that.

My new neighbor moved into the duplex behind me yesterday, and she seems to be a really nice girl. I saw my landlord yesterday and she confessed to me that she discouraged a couple of other people from renting there because it probably wouldn’t be a good match for me. Maybe that sounds weird to others, but I was very comforted by that. My landlord is like everybody’s neighborhood mom, and she didn’t want me to be stuck sharing a duplex with a young single college age male. I think that’s sweet and wonderfully protective. So thanks Anne!

Sarah came down with me and helped me a great deal over the past couple of days. I delighted in showing her around Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods Market, and talked her ear off even more. God often takes the people who appear ‘weak’ and uses them the most. Sarah is someone who the world wouldn’t choose, but God did. And I am so grateful. My friend helped me just by being who God created her to be. Thank you Sarah for giving me more than you realize.

I’m going to do some serious hunting for a job in the next couple of weeks, and I may try some churches. These are both very scary things for me. But my God is big. And He cares about my well-being. He wants good for me!

The haftarah portion this week was Isaiah 54. ’Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; Lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities. Fear not! For your husband is your Maker.’ (I left out some verses there but I don’t think it’s out of context – exclamation point is mine.) God say in at least 4 different ways to ‘spread your dreams and your influence wide! You can’t outdream Me! SPARE NOT! I’m going to do something incredible in you and the fruit will be for the nations. Wow. And He’s got my back.

I shared something recently with a friend that God has shown me. In this business of life, when we’re struggling with dreams we believe He gave us (and often they are from Him!), the pain of waiting can seem unbearable. But we have to remember that His timing is far better than ours, and if He wants us to wait, the ultimate result will be our good and even happiness. I’ve tried to jump ahead of God before, and fulfill my dreams ahead of His timing. It was miserable. He lets us do that, because He won’t force us to listen to Him. But it’s far better to continually say to Him “Lord I want what You want for me when You want it! Make my desires and dreams mold to You and Your timing. Refine me in the meantime and make me who You want me to be. And don’t let my desires so cloud my hearing that I overlook what You are saying. I love You and surrender myself completely to You! I trust You.’

Amen. I do trust You. I am living a dream being here right now. And it’s incredible. Lord help me stay desperate for you. Keep me in enough pain and struggle that I never lose sight of how much I need You. You love endures forever and You are ALWAYS good.