Being me

I’ve really been struggling lately with feeling like I need to do things perfectly, and make everyone around me happy.  I thought I was over that.  But then it came back with a vengeance.  I know at least part of it is my past… I had therapy a short while ago amd dealt with a part who was terrified to do anything wrong.  Doing anything wrong meant punishment, severe punishment.  And making someone unhappy meant pain.  I know that’s not true anymore… in my head.  But I’ve been feeling the emotions so strongly.  It’s especially bad at work.  Sometimes it lasts the whole shift, but usually it’s the worst right before I go in.  I go into a panic thinking about who is going to be there and whether or not they will ‘like’ me or approve of me.  What the heck? 

Jo told me a couple weeks ago that God will probably allow some testing of the truth that I don’t have to fear punishment anymore.  Boy was she right. 

But… the last couple of nights have been different.  I realized that being myself is more important than whether or not anyone likes me.  It’s even more important than if I have others’ respect.  That might seem like a ‘duh’ to most of you.  And I thought I had that concept down.  But I am suddenly feeling a new level of freedom in this.  I realized that my fear of people not liking me was causing me to not act like myself.  For instance, being more sarcastic than usual just to try to fit in.  But a couple nights ago I felt like God whispered to me “Be your nice self, the gentle heart I adore.”  Oh.  Is that okay?  Yeah, it’s okay!  I’m a nice person.  I can be sarcastic sometimes, and sometimes that’s okay.  But most of the time I LIKE to help other people and compliment them and make them feel important.  And whether or not they like me is suddenly not as important.  Be myself.  Be my kind, gentle, mostly quiet self.  Huh. 

I’m not as afraid the last few nights.  I hope it lasts.  Pray for me that I can hold on to the truth that being who God created me to be is more important than whether or not people like me.  I don’t have to fear punishment anymore.  I keep thinking of a Dr. Suess quote.  ”Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”  And here’s another one, this one by Andre Gide:  “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.”

Wise words.  I want to live them better.

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